A new start...

7 Years…

Today, May 6th, 2013, marks the 7th Anniversary for my wife and I.

It’s crazy thinking that it’s been 7 years already. It doesn’t seem that long at all.

One thing that I’ve learned… is that I have a lot left to learn.
I’m surprised at times with what she’s been willing to put up with when it comes to me… but it’s shown me that she is more “the one” than I ever would have imagined her to be.

My wife has shown me love like I never have experienced before. She’s been there for me through so much already. And we still have so much further to go. I’m blessed to walk the earth with her while we are here together. And we walk more as one every day that we’re together. I can’t imagine my life with her…

So what do the next 7 years look like?!… I’m excited to find out! God has blessed us so much already, but we’ve only just begun with our walk. Sarah has such a passionate heart and is by far one of the most caring people that I know. God’s plan for us hasn’t clearly unfolded for us… but I know that when it does, we’re going to grab it and run with it! I’m excited for our time together for the next part of our lives. I’m excited for us to grow closer and stronger together, and to explore more of who we are.

I wasn’t sure how much I would write about this. I feel I could talk about this for a while, but these are the main thoughts on my mind this evening. So I shall leave it at that.
Sarah… I love you! I’m so blessed to have been joined together with you! I’m excited to grow old and grey with you! (Though she’ll probably color her hair.) ;)

Warfare

The enemy will stop at nothing to get between you and God. This morning, for instance, a small argument right before church started, got me upset. More upset than I should have been. I walked away to cool off, came back, and it’s tense now. The morning was messed up over something so small, but it’s impact was bigger than it should have been.
God is over us all, His power is greater than anything on this earth or anything above. The enemy thinks he has great power, but his power is contingent on how much we let him conquer us. We are children of Christ, we are under his banner, His strength is our strength, His hand is on us and protects us… That being said, why do we let the enemy in as much as we do? Why are we so easily conquered when such power and strength is on our side? And not only that, why do we turn our back to God’s hand that’s readily extended to us?
There are going to be numerous battles, and our gear is weak… We need God’s armor to defend ourselves, we need the sword of God to go into battle. So many of us are so ill prepared that we don’t know it until it’s too late.
The answers are there, the gear is there, the Captain is there leading the way… Learn it, grab ahold of it, follow Him…

#ylgr13

The weekend has been short… but full of wonder. It’s exciting to be around so many young people that share a vision that is God-given. I can’t express how much potential is packed into one room full of people. One of the speakers last night talked of the gifts that each of the people here have, and that through our gifts, we’re shining a tiny part of whom Jesus is and how wonderful He is…

To those of you at the Young Life retreat that might read this, I would encourage you to use your gift often, and to not take it for granted ever. Lest we forget the parable of the talents… Also, don’t think because your talent isn’t one that’s right up front and visible to everyone that it isn’t of supreme importance. You will never fully understand the impact that you have on those around you. We’re still impacted by the acts of hundreds of people from over 2000 years ago… Some big, some small.

We all play our part in what God has planned for not only our lives, but the lives around us, and the lives yet to come. Christianity is personal, relational and full of perspective. Let your eyes ignore what this world would have you believe, and hear the voice of God, even if it can be faint and difficult. Break through the crap this world wants to feed you and distract you with. You will only vomit and go blind from what this world has to offer.

Finally, love. Love like Christ. Think of 1st Corinthians 13… How many of these things do you and I fail at… How many can you and I fix and excel at?

Love you all, thanks for letting me be part of this amazing weekend and part of the Young Life experience!

The Excellence of Love

13 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body ^[a]to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, ⁵ does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrongsuffered, ⁶ does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; ^7 [b]bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

⁸ Love never fails; but if there are gifts of ^[c]prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part; ¹⁰ but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. ¹¹ When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I ^[d]became a man, I did away with childish things. ¹² For now we see in a mirror ^[e]dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. ¹³ But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the ^[f]greatest of these is love.

My heart swells, from You working with me, pressing into me…
The weight of things still seem so unbearable at times though…
The thought of just walking away doesn’t even seem easy anymore…
You’re here with me, You’re trying so hard to speak to me, yet I still struggle to hear Your voice…
I still struggle to let go of the past, to walk away from who I was, and instead walk in who You created me to be…
Tears form, but won’t fall, I don’t know if I won’t let myself cry, or if I just can’t…
The battle within myself seems enormous, overwhelming me, often overtaking me…
I rely on my strength still, all too often…
If You’re breaking me, help me to stay out of the way, help keep me from trying to rebuild what You’re tearing away…
Thank You for working on me, for letting me know that I still matter, for letting me know You have a plan for my life…
I love you.

I don’t write on here near as often as I should. I find it hard to make time to do so most of the time. I have so much that I want to say, and feel as if there’s so little time to say it. I guess even posting the smaller things like this can be good and beneficial though. I’m slowly walking my way through all of these things I’m dealing with. It’s crazy how much we can let ourselves go and forget to stay grounded in faith and family. I’ll post more later on this and expand on it…

Heartburn…

     My chest hasn’t stopped burning for quite a few hours now… It’s taken my breath away and almost put me where I want to be right now… in the ground. It saddens me to be in this situation, and destroys so much of my faith in “church” with how much support is given on something that’s not Biblical. I’ve spent the last hour or so diving in to see exactly where I’m at right now, and what the Word says about such things. And, other than extreme cases, it’s not for it at all.

     I’ve made mistakes, procrastinated, hurt people that I love, and not been there emotionally, spiritually, and sometimes physically for them. What I don’t understand, is the “answer” that is given by so many people. The solutions provided are man-made… I’ve been in this rough/bad/dark place in my life for a bit now, and hate where I am and what I am. For some reason people seem to think that it’s who I want to be. That I’m happy here and that I’m incapable of change. What they don’t see, understand, or care about, is that I’ve been reaching out for some time now… That I’ve been seeking the answers that God would have for me. To be rid of this person that God didn’t intend for me to be and become what He wants me to be. I’ve reached out so much…

     So where does this lead me now? How much more does my faith get shaken and seemingly stamped into the ground? How much more can I handle? God tells us that He won’t put anything in front of us that we can’t overcome. (1st Corinthians 10:13 -No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.) And I believe that, right now, more than anytime in my life. My mind wanders so much to the thoughts of death and being rid of these pains, frustrations, inadequacies, etc… Sometimes I feel that it’s not God’s hand holding on to me and keeping my head on straight, but that I don’t want to seem weak by killing myself. That I don’t want people to think any lower of me than they already do by doing something like that. And that I’d be hurting the people that I love, so it would be a selfish choice.

     I’m tired of the search, only to come up empty time and time again. I hate being uncertain. I’ve done a great job of getting in my own way with this. What I don’t understand through this though, is how the communication works with God then… I’m able to communicate with people I know, even if that means that the exchange isn’t pleasant for those involved… even if the exchange goes downhill and you don’t speak for a while… there’s still and exchange. I feel like, when it comes to God, that I talk and seek, and I screw up, and nothing comes back to me. That I don’t get a response and that none is coming. The most frustrating thing about my relationship with God, is the lack of the audible voice… I’m conditioned so much to hear what people say that I guess I miss what God “speaks” to me. This is still the hardest thing for me to come to grips with when it comes to my faith and relationship with Him.

     That being said… I still believe. I still want to hear from You. I want to know, and understand, and grow, and expand, and be filled, and anything and everything else that You have!

     Faith the size of a mustard seed… I can’t seem to find where I put my seed… What’s the best way to find a mustard seed that you’ve dropped or misplaced? I want to walk and talk with You in a way that will devour my doubts! You promised to always be with me and never forsake me! Well I feel alone and that You’re not here at all! I feel like You could care less and have better things and better people to tend to! I know I’m a child that has failed You many times. I know that I’m not an example for You the way You would have me to be. I know that I’m not perfect and that I’ll probably mess up again before I die. But I’m still Your child, right? I’m still important to you, aren’t I?! I just want to talk. I just want to know You’re there. Have I sunk so low that you won’t speak to me at all?!

     So here I am… Waiting. Reading Your Word and trying to see what’s next. I’m ready to rip my heart from my chest so it will quit hurting and burning. I’m tired of talking to You and hearing nothing! Is it wrong for me to ask for you to talk to me directly?! I don’t want to hear from You by messenger, or delivery, or text… I just want to hear Your voice! Even one word! So is that wrong?! I’ll be waiting…

Anxious, Nervous, Stress, Etc…

Anxious -

     It’s strange for me right now… feeling the way I do, after such a long time of not feeling much of anything. These feelings don’t stick with me throughout the entire day, but are really strong when they do hit. My strength wears thin when it does hit, and I question often if I can take any more. I know that God gives me strength, because I know I couldn’t handle it all on my own. And times like right now, when I feel completely alone, I don’t even know how that holds me back…

     I’ve felt out of place for quite some time. From being around people that loosely throw around the word friend, to watching those that are close to me move on to new things in their life, and even the changes going on inside of myself. I question God a lot about my place in life, where I’m supposed to be, what I’m supposed to do, and why I am the way I am. Sometimes I feel like the answer is right in front of me, and that I’m stupid for even asking. Other times I feel like I don’t have a clue and hear nothing coming from God at all.

     I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life, some that haunt me more often that I can count, others that have long been forgotten. My past can be a heavy bag that I carry, or sometimes drag, around with me. And nothing is more frustrating than people around you that will just tell you to let it go, to give it to God… Yeah, never thought of that… Forgiving yourself can be the hardest thing. And it doesn’t come quickly sometimes. And I know there’s times that some people take those things all the way to the grave with them, never being able to loosen their grip on the past and those things that haunted them.

     I’m tired. Tired of feeling the way I do. Tired of being tired. Tired of the crap around me. I seek rest in the arms of God… but can’t seem to find Him. Sleeping becomes pointless, to the point that when you do sleep you feel that you’re just passing out, and not actually sleeping. Getting up as tired, or more tired, than when you laid down.

     I can’t even gather my thoughts well enough to really write out what I’m feeling and thinking. So many things are going through my head. I’m not able to put together words to relay what I’m wanting to get across. That’s usually not a big deal for me, which lets me know that this is something different than what I’m used to. That this is out of the ordinary for me. And that I don’t know how to handle the situation at all…

     I just want to be finished…